Divorce and Forgiveness

Some Christians believe divorce is only permitted in the case of adultery, and that remarriage is a sin because of Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:

It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:31-32)

This seems a harsh interpretation given the context directly before, which states that lustful thoughts count as adultery.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27-28)

Some historical context is helpful. In ancient times (and, frankly, recent and present times), a women was unable to get a divorce. Only husbands had rights. So this passage is not speaking to wives, it is speaking to husbands, the people with power. They could legally divorce their wives for any reason, such as finding someone new or having an argument. This was really hard on the wife. She may have no family or community support networks after her marriage ended.

I think Jesus is valuing women here. He says, stop throwing away your wives like trash! Don’t pass her around from husband to husband like an object, or leave her alone and without family. If you get a divorce, it had better be for a good reason, not just because you don’t like her cooking. Adultery is a good example, however I don’t see that it should be the only reason.

Adultery was a serious double standard at this time. Wives were expected to be faithful and husbands were not. This is another reason why this set of scriptures is targeted primarily toward men. Jesus expects a higher standard of behavior men them than their society expects.

Therefore, I do not think this passage applies to the situation of an abused wife. But because it is a strongly-held belief that divorce is only permitted by adultery, I am also interested in looking deeper into the definition of adultery.

The third chapter of Jeremiah is useful (though a difficult and shaming read). Adultery and prostitution are used as the metaphors by which the prophet Jeremiah describes the unfaithfulness of God’s people, Israel.

…Look up to the barren heights and see. Is there any place where you [Israel] have not been ravished? By the roadside you sat waiting for lovers, sat like a nomad in the desert. You have defiled the land with your prostitution and wickedness. …you have the brazen look of a prostitute; you refuse to blush with shame…. Because Israel’s immorality mattered so little to her, she defiled the land and committed adultery with stone and wood… (Jeremiah 3:2-3,9)

Idolatry and adultery overlap. The people “cheated” on God with other gods.

Note how bad these false gods were. God wasn’t just possessive and needy. These religions were actually hurtful to the people practicing them, temple prostitution, child sacrifice, etc. These are not gods that loved and cared for people. They are capricious gods who demand sacrifices to eke out good crops and fertility.

Cheating on God wasn’t about sex. It was about unfaithfulness to the one good Father who wanted to give good gifts.

So, can adultery have more than one meaning? Perhaps an abusive husband has not been sexually unfaithful to his wife, but a man who hurts, deceives, and manipulates his wife has not been faithful to her. He has committed adultery.

A husband may claim to be a follower of God, but Jesus warns against liars and deceivers.  

Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. (Matthew 7:15-17)

What is the fruit of this man? Abuse, prison, lies, rebellion, rape, drug and alcohol abuse, deceit, manipulation, homelessness, law-breaking, children taken away. He is not listening to God. He is not following God. 

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ (Matthew 7:21-23) 

Words alone are meaningless without the fruits of the Spirit.

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions  and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:19-23)

It may sound holy to stay bound to an unfaithful husband. But this can also be a form of idolatry.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” And, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”  (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared. (Psalm 22:24-25)

Don’t make an idol out of your marriage or family.

 “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. (Mark 10:29-30)

This is not what God wants for you! God wants good for you, not bad.

It’s hard to let someone go when Jesus is so forgiving and loving. Yet cutting ties can be a form of brotherly love.

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that even pagans do not tolerate: A man is sleeping with his father’s wife. And you are proud! Shouldn’t you rather have gone into mourning and have put out of your fellowship the man who has been doing this? For my part, even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. As one who is present with you in this way, I have already passed judgment in the name of our Lord Jesus on the one who has been doing this. So when you are assembled and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord. (1 Corinthians 5:1-5) 

I don’t normally agree with kicking people out of church, but this sounds like a rape and abuse situation to me. It can’t be tolerated. People are being harmed. The woman in this story has value. God cares about her. Perhaps the wicked man will come to repent at some point in the future, but it’s not the community’s job to “save” an abuser. It’s necessary to care for the victims and prevent future harm.

It’s okay to forgive an abuser as part of the healing process, but it’s not okay to let the abuser back in your life. The Lord’s Prayer speaks of forgiveness in terms of letting go of a debt.

This, then, is how you should pray: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” (Matthew 6:9-13)

An abusive husband has run up a terrible debt, as long list of hurts and sins. He will never be able to repay it. He can never make up for the wrong that has been done.

You can forgive the debt. Let go. It’s not worth holding onto. (It just keeps you tied to that person.) But it’s also time to cut off the line of credit. Don’t trust an abuser not to take advantage of his 23^rd chance. God’s will is not being done when an abuser is allowed to hurt you. God’s kingdom is not on earth when an abuser has power over the weak.

Yes, there are passages in the Bible that call for obedience, submission, forbearance and patience. Good discernment is needed for applying these to personal situations. Some people misuse the Bible to hurt others, asking them to keep carrying a burden instead of giving it to Jesus. Matthew 5 has good guidance, but it can be misused. It is okay to let go of a bad interpretation of scripture when you can see that it is causing harm and bearing bad fruit. Taking one verse and applying it to every situation is a way to avoid listening to God. Reading the Bible must be paired with prayerfully considering decisions and seeking wise counsel.

The Bible has many stories of people who broke “the rules” and were honored by God. Abigail was disobedient to her wicked husband 1 Samuel 25.

“Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. [Your husband] is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.”

Abigail acted quickly. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys.  Then she told her servants, “Go on ahead; I’ll follow you.” But she did not tell her husband Nabal. (1 Samuel 25:17-19).

You can let go of a bad decision you made in your youth. God wants to give you freedom from a bad relationship, not to burden you.

 They [the Pharisees] tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. (Matthew 23:4)

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30) 

The gospel message is not a message of obligation and punishment; it is a message of freedom and forgiveness. Look at Galatians 5 again:

 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.  For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:1, 4-6, 13-14, 22-23)

Respect and more respect

“Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs 2010

I love the Bible. But sometimes I don’t love Bible verses. People like to take their one favorite verse out of context and use it to steamroll or translate everything. You can’t base your whole marriage on one verse. Or a whole book.

 Dr. Eggerichs  says this one verse will change your marriage. “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

Giving to get

“This book is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs- respect.” It’s nice to be clear at the start. I begin with two concerns. First, is it the wife’s job to fix every problem? Second, is she only giving something to get something?

Dr. E will go on to contradict this, saying both people need to work on their relationships, don’t expect the other person to do it first, you don’t give just so you can receive. He offers some sage advice to take responsibility for how you react to your spouse rather than blaming them. Yet he is clear that the main point of this book is teaching wives the need to unconditionally respect their husbands.

All husbands and wives are the same

I appreciate that Dr. E shared his personal stories. (Dr. Laura never does.) Little snippets like how spouses get upset because the other burned the food or left a mess are easy to identify with. It’s silly how much of marital fighting is over the small stuff, and Dr. E has good ideas on getting past that.

But Dr. E assumes that all husbands and wives have marriages that look exactly like his. The oddest aspect is his thematic description of disputes.

When a husband can take [criticism] no longer, he gets up and walks out without a word… He distances himself to prevent things from escalating… Men have an honor code… he doesn’t want to fight verbally or physically… as she gets louder, he gets quieter. Soon she may be screaming at him with venomous words that he’s never heard in all his life. As a rule, women have learned to fight with words. They are masters of the art, and husbands can feel helpless before the onslaught.

I don’t know of any stereotype that men stay silent. Many men are verbally hurtful or even abusive. Dr. E’s expectation is that wives are the critical, nit-picking, complaining spouse in relationships. But many men are perfectionists, have high expectations that can never be met, and are verbally abusive in conflict. And there are some women who go silent and try to escape the fight. Some women feel like they can never be good enough for their husbands.

Stories like these may speak to certain couples. “Love and Respect” was someone’s wedding gift to my sister. After skimming the first couple chapters, I talked to her and was startled to find that she loves it.  I am still trying to understand why. First, she identifies with the want for love more than respect. She loves to give and receive attention, affection, and share interests. (I wish I’d read this book in high school as a guide to make her happy.) Second, she doesn’t mind that not all the descriptions about women relate to her. She says, “I don’t act like that, but I know some women who do.” But does selective reading justify forgiveness of stereotypes?

Secret Codes

Another struggle I had with this book was the idea that communication between men and women is primarily impeded because of their gender. Dr. E uses colorful metaphors for these communication troubles. But if women see the world through pink glasses and hear through pink hearing aids, wouldn’t all women have perfect communication? (We don’t.) And if men see through blue glasses, and hear through blue hearing aids, why would I want to marry one? Wouldn’t I be more compatible with someone of my own species?

People everywhere have a hard time communicating with each other. There isn’t a binary system of seeing, hearing, and speaking.1 Even siblings raised in similar situations have disputes due to misunderstandings. I’m not convinced that a spoonful of love and respect is the solution to all these problems. Humility, giving the benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and listening are some good building blocks.

But we don’t need any extra tools. Dr. E says decoding is easy, because it’s always the same message. “You loaded the dishwasher wrong!” means “Love me!” “Why is the house a mess?” means “Respect me.” Every time.

What is Respect?

Dr. E says God requires wives to unconditionally respect their husbands, according to his favorite verse. He is defensive about this because he knows that respect must be earned. Otherwise, it isn’t real. Fake respect is flattery. Dr. E tries too hard to say respect doesn’t need to be earned, but his practical advice belies the fact. I can summarize his recommendations in two parts.

First, act respectfully even if you don’t feel it. Especially in public, in front of your children, or during fights. Don’t raise your voice or make an angry face. This isn’t about faking it, this is about common courtesy. It’s kindness more than it is respect, so I can agree with it. “A wife [can] display a respectful facial expression and tone… while confronting his unloving behavior and without endorsing his unloving reactions.” Agreed.

Second, think of things you already respect about your husband, make a list and tell him so. This is similar to counting your blessings in the middle of hard times. This may mean respecting his intentions even if his performance is weak.

This book is long because Dr. E thinks his advice is more complicated than it is. He dumbs down his content for his expected audience. “As one wife put it, ‘We think so differently. I don’t even relate to what he considers respect (or the lack of it.)’” Why would it be hard to understand that your husband feels disrespected when you yell at him and criticize him?

I think differently from my husband, but also from my female friends. At best, this book made me embarrassed for not being “correctly” female. I wish I were naturally full of love and giving like Dr. E thinks women are. “The Lord created a women to love. Her whole approach to nurture, her sensitivity, love and compassion are all part of her very nature.” (page 36) I wish being disrespected didn’t hurt or matter so much to me.

I’m at a point in my life where I want respect more than love. Part of that is my personality, but part of it is because I’ve been disrespected. My calling to ministry has been questioned and doubted. My insecurities and worries have been put down. I don’t need someone to tell me they love me despite my failures; I want to be told that I haven’t failed; I’m still going to get somewhere.

I don’t think I’m alone as a women who needs respect. Even thinking of a household with traditional gender roles, stay-at-home-moms are often disrespected. An old cliché is that the hardworking husband comes home and says, “What have you been doing all day?” when the house is a mess and the kids are crying. He’s being disrespectful, plain and simple.

A woman’s need for respect is part of the reason feminism exists. Limiting women’s opportunities, choices and voices is disrespect.

Men protect women

The biggest reason Dr. E thinks wives should respect men for is men embracing their God-given roles. We finally look at some context to the respect verse.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Ephesians 5:22-27 (Complementarians generally skip verse 21.)

Dr. E draws three legalistic conclusions. First, a man’s role is to love and protect his wife, and she should place herself under his protection. Later he calls it, “the umbrella of protection” which is a phrase I’ve heard elsewhere in patriarchal writings.2

Adding to the text, Dr. E says men are wired to protect and die for their wives and families. It’s hard to say this out loud without sounding over-dramatic. Most Americans live in safety. What exactly do I need protecting from?3

Second, Dr. E proposes that husbands should get 51% of the responsibility and authority in the relationship. Why 51%? The Bible doesn’t command it. Another interpretation of “Submit in everything” would say the man gets 100%. Should we only submit 51% to Jesus? Which leads to the last big problem…

The worst conclusion of this passage is stated as if it’s a commonly accepted truth. “You [husband] are the Christ figure to her…” (page 163). Yes, everyone should follow the example of Jesus, but you shouldn’t take His place.4 Even if a husband dies for his wife, he doesn’t make her holy and blameless. The man doesn’t need to do Jesus’ job for Him. The implications of a husband being more Christ-like than the wife can be devastating to a marriage. What hope can there be for equality if the husband is God?

Goodwill

A funny phrase occurs frequently throughout this book. “A husband with good will” is one with good intentions who makes understandable mistakes (mostly because he doesn’t understand the secret code of women). I think it’s good to assume the best of your spouse, that even if they aren’t acting nice at the moment, overall they have good intentions and don’t want to hurt you. But this idea of goodwill is meant to give comfort to your worries that giving authority to someone who hasn’t earned it isn’t going to have bad consequences. I think the reason Dr. E uses this idea to defend the weakness of hierarchical complementarian household structure.

Will the concept of biblical hierarchy lead to abuse? Will a man take advantage of being head of the family by putting down and even abusing his wife and children? Yes, this is possible, but because it is possible does not mean a woman should refuse to allow her husband to be the head. If a husband is evil-willed, the abuse will happen anyway, no matter what the family structure is… if a man is good-willed, his wife’s respect and his hierarchical position will not cause him to abuse, because that is not in his nature.  (emphasis mine)

It’s odd to hear a former pastor like Dr. E say this. I’m used to hearing about people’s sin nature, selfishness, and tendency to do evil. But Dr. E thinks most men are good-willed, only needing a little encouragement to act in a positive way. Evil-willed men are the odd exceptions. I wonder where he thinks their evil will came from. Much unkindness and evil arises in situations, not just because of something written into a person’s DNA. Does power corrupt? Do men need checks and balances? Or are men uniquely designed to be in charge and will flourish in their designed habitat?

World history has not proven that to be a success. Women have been abused, enslaved, neglected, dehumanized, and denied rights. Men have done much evil with their power. Perhaps I would like this book if Dr. E said that historically, people haven’t been doing marriage God’s way. Here is something we missed, some new understanding to help us. But instead he calls us backward in history, acting as though marital problems are new.

Like my sister, maybe you can sift through this book and find good advice and insight. But the overall premise of the differences between men and women are based on culture, nostalgia, jokes, clichés and assumptions, not the design of God.

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1 Dr. E thinks he can use science to prove his gender roles. “It is well know that men and women score differently on tests. He is high in analytical aptitude; she is high on verbal aptitude.” (page 150) Not true.

2 The trouble with umbrellas is that if you walk out from under the umbrella and are hurt, someone will say you were asking for it.

3 Rape and domestic violence is the noteworthy exception to this. But I don’t think the solution is to have a man guarding over every women every moment. The man with authority over her is usually the one hurting her, not a stranger.

4 Dr. E repeats this idea, sneaking it in his endnotes. “Man needs to be honored… [as] the image and glory of God.” (page 322) Are women not the image of God?

Better Love by Meeting Expectations (Book Review)

Better Love Now by Tommy Nelson with David Delk. 2008

“Better Love Now” is a soft complementarian book. “Soft” because you can snuggle up with it, pretend like it doesn’t say anything bad about women, and focus on the good parts. The sort you can give to your strict complementarian friends to keep them from being too harsh with their spouses or themselves. (My last church gave it to us at a couple’s dinner.)

Author Tommy Nelson balances the hard-to-swallow basics of complementarian belief with these positive assertions: Women can work outside the home. Women can have goals and dreams for their own lives. Don’t treat your wife like a child. Submission doesn’t mean silence or letting husband get away with evil. Abuse is always wrong.1 I also enjoyed seeing him debunk a popular complementarian ideal when he mocks the pride men have in saying, “I’d die for my wife!”

There are probably not a lot of times in your life when [you can save your wife from being] run over by a truck. You almost certainly will not have to be martyred for your wife. And the problem is that for many men, martyrdom would be a lot easier than vacuuming. Martyrdom is easier than holding your wife’s hand and saying, “Is there anything I can get for you?”

Nelson says a lot that is obvious, but in a way where it’s nice to be reminded of the obvious things. Like, communication is important. (Many complementarian books prefer to say, “Stay positive and pray, but don’t confront. See, Dr. Laura and Debi Pearl.) Instead, Nelson says, “You can’t change people by dominating them” and “It’s not you against your spouse. It’s both of you against the conflict.” That’s good advice for any relationship.

Gender Roles

But the second half of each chapter divides the topics by gender. Oddly, Nelson phrases gender roles in terms of expectations. “A wife expects her husband to provide.” “A husband expects his wife to have a well managed house.” It’s a bit of an all-knowing perspective (how do you know what my husband wants?), but it also lifts responsibility off the author. I’m not telling anyone what do to, he thinks, I’m just letting them know what their spouse wants.

This book is written for complementarians.  He isn’t trying to persuade me to become one. But the complementarian parts are the weakest in the book, not because he thinks he doesn’t need to defend them, but because they lack the substance to survive real life situations.2

The roles are predictable: men must provide and lead. Women must have a well-managed house and make family their top priority. Nelson gives grace in these roles by saying “there’s nothing wrong with a wife working” … but “as long as both spouses understand that the man has the ultimate responsibility to provide.”3 (page 25) As usual, he is adding rules to the Bible. Nelson tries to find some scripture to back this up and stumbles onto a Genesis 3 description of Adam working the ground. Then he inverts 1 Timothy 5:8, saying that because the male pronoun is used, women are excluded. (If you applied this to every verse, the epistles would become nearly irrelevant to women.) 

The concept of male leadership is predictably vague. Nelson contrasts a good leader husband with a man who is “stupid, slow, cowardly… a failure, irresponsible or violent.” Of course wives don’t want that. But the two aren’t opposites. Nelson doesn’t consider that a man can be a partner rather than a leader.4

Family Order

“Christ [is] over Daddy is over Mommy, who with her husband is over the kids- all things done in order.” (pg 105) What does that mean? What things are done in order? 

Nelson describes wives as “the one God designed to be the chief caregiver” although this is not stated in scripture. I can agree with the anecdotal evidence that it’s hard on families when the mother centers her life on career, “athletic pursuits, hobbies, friendship, and volunteer activities” instead of family. Yet can’t the same thing be said about fathers?

Are you impressed with her multi tasking or worried she isn't focused on her baby?

One scripture Nelson uses for is the commonly quoted passage against women in leadership, 1 Timothy 2:11-15 with this unusual interpretation: “Paul is saying that a woman’s purpose is not rule men; it is to raise them… No matter what else a woman does, no matter where else a woman serves, there will never be any higher calling than shaping a human life. That is a woman’s greatest purpose.” (page 117)

Nelson is trying so hard to be positive and affirming. But I can’t make this make sense. There are too many exceptions. What about women who don’t have children or don’t marry? What about authors who write books that shape many lives? What about activists who change the world and bring freedom to many outside their family? Then Nelson turns around and admits family can be an idol. I agree, but he doesn’t see that telling a women to find her greatest purpose in her family is a road to idolatry.

Security

Nelson makes statements of human nature based on personal and cultural experience rather than scripture or statistics. “Men tend to enjoy adventure and risks; women prefer predictability and stability.” His defense of this is odd, explaining how wives don’t like negative surprises, like husbands flirting, missing, looking at porn, being moody, or feeling like the marriage is shaky. These are all negative aspects of risk, not adventures. I assume Nelson thinks men want excitement in their travels, career, family, hobbies, etc. I don’t think men find an unstable marriage to be a desirable or exciting risk.

The desire for security, and for women to want stability, can be parental and dull. It’s a big problem in Christianity. I love this thought in Just Courage by Gary A. Haugen, the founder of International Justice Mission.

Many Christians suspect that they are travelling with Jesus, but missing the adventure… a sense of disappointment in the way their life is turning out… successful dads, accomplished moms… we thought our life would be more significant. Our day is a harmless routine… muted monotony… It had seemed like following Christ was supposed to be a bold adventure of power and beauty and singular importance... but it doesn’t feel right to complain when God has been so good to us…  a voice asks us, now what?

Nelson knows this. He’s come across it in his ministry many times. He quotes a friend who said, “When I was in college… we used to dream about God, ministry, China, and Africa. We wanted to live for great things. Now that we are all married, it seems that we are weighed down by a desire to maintain our families and physical lives.” (page 95) This quote was in a section about men expecting the freedom to minister beyond the family.  Does he think women don’t want that? Women are foreign missionaries, activists, they endure imprisonment and shame for justice and love. Yes, some women may just want security. But I can’t promise that’s what God wants for them.

Haugen’s book also describes protective American parents, and the response of their children when they realize their parents prefer them to have a life of safety over a life of meaning. It’s disappointing. Yet this is the life we prescribe for wives, what Nelson thinks they want and find purpose in.

Respect

Nelson defines respect with some kind thoughts- When you respect someone, you recognize that they don’t exist just for you. Every person around you is worthy of respect. Forgiveness is important to respect. How you talk to or about your spouse in public shows respect.  Don’t talk to your spouse like they are stupid or the enemy. Good simple advice.

Yet for some sad reason, Nelson had to end this lesson with a painful paragraph: “Men turn into idiots when they don’t get respect. They do incredibly stupid things: materialism, workaholism, pornography, adultery. When a man feels that his wife doesn’t care for him, respect him, or value him, it’s much more difficult for him to resist temptation.” (page 148)

I’m not saying wives should disrespect their husbands, or that anyone doesn’t feel hurt and want to act out when they are disrespected. But Nelson makes this a lesson about blame. It’s putting the responsibility for a man’s behavior on the wife. Your husband is looking at porn? Well, have you been disrespecting him? Please don’t teach that a man’s sins originate and can be repaired by a woman’s respect.5

The close vulnerability of marriage allows spouses the opportunity to deeply wound and belittle each other. Building your partner up means respecting and encouraging them. But we also have a personal responsibility over our own actions and attitudes. If you want a good marriage, let go of blame. Release some expectations. Marriage shouldn’t be about power.

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1 Admitting the obvious fact that abuse is bad is not the same as providing help for the abused or re-examining our theology to see why it enables abuse.

2 If I could “fix” this book, I would still list all the expectations that Nelson asserts husbands and wives want. I’d have each spouse checkmark all the needs that apply to them, and then communicate about it. Which needs are being met? Are some needs unfair or imbalanced? Which needs have been neglected in the marriage? What is required other than the spouse to fulfill some of these expectations? Then they could adjust his formatting to the unique situation of their marriage.

3 Oddly, later (page 71) Nelson mentions the possibility of a wife earning more than a husband, and doesn’t seem bothered by it. So I’m not sure what he means when he says the man must be the main provider.  Is providing not just about money?

4 What are leaders? Nelson says little. Leaders are “going somewhere.”

5 In the postscript, Nelson briefly discusses his struggle with clinical depression. He doesn’t mention what medical care he received, but doesn’t frame the illness as a spiritual sin, but rather something that happened, tested and strengthened the marriage. I wish we could have heard more about that process.

Do traditional gender roles feed your marriage? (Book Review)

The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger 2007

According to conservative Christians, the role of women in ministry to connected to women’s role in marriage, because both are about authority.

The first time I felt called to a career in ministry, I discussed it with my college roommate. She wasn’t unkind or unsupportive, but she quoted her favorite pastor, Matt Chandler. He said, how can a women be a pastor and have authority over her congregation, then go home and submit to the authority of her husband?

He meant it to be a rhetorical question. So let’s look at a few books that support that assumption.

I received “The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage”1 as a wedding present, but never read it. (It has that cover with the grinning celebrity who doesn’t look like anyone who’d be my friend in real life.) But the time has come.

Gender and Personality

Gender is the first theme hit hard in this book. This doesn’t have to be a bad way to start. Men and women are different. Any two individuals entering a relationship are different, and those differences can cause conflict or strengthen them.

So, hooray for differences! Praise God for creating diversity.

But, Dr. Laura doesn’t celebrate individuals. She makes one box labeled “men” and one box label “women.”2 Personally, when I don’t line up with the women box, I suspect that little of her advice is going to apply to me.3

Cynanide & Happiness bakes up some puns

Several descriptions of men and women align with aspects of Myers Briggs personality types.

Women:

E (Extrovert) Social, focused on relationships and bonding

S (Sensing) Better at details

F (Feeling) Bring feelings and emotions to logical guys, but emotions dominate rationality

Men:

I (Introvert) Have a hard to work together in problem solving, want to do it alone

N (Intuitive) See the whole picture objectively

T (Thinking) Strong, uncomplicated opinions, practical, won’t talk about feelings or vocalize love4

The emotion/logic dichotomy is the most pervasive stereotype in lists like this. And it’s almost believable. We can share anecdotal examples. Personally, I am more emotional than my husband. I’m a crier: sad movies, bad days, weddings… but my Myers Briggs is a T, not F. I’m a thinker, I’m logical. I want ten good reasons for everything. I need a history and purpose. (Sometimes I have to let go of these things and let the Spirit guide me, but I’m not naturally good at that. I’m also a J.) Yes, I have emotions, but they are not the lead force my decisions-making.

None of this makes me less of a women, or less feminine. But I believe it’s okay that my expressions of my femininity look different than other women’s.5

But Dr. L needs men and women to fit into strict gender personalities so her puzzle pieces fit together. “A real man needs a real woman to be complete, and a real woman needs a real man to be complete.” (page 4) She tries to justify this with Genesis and doesn’t get far.6 The idea that a single person is “incomplete” is not Biblical. Jesus and the Bible valued singleness. Completion is not found in another person, but in God.

Gender Roles

Dr. L is a promoter of stay-at-home moms. I’m not opposed to that. I was blessed to have a stay-at-home mom. But I don’t agree that traditional gender roles are the “proper source of self-worth.” (page 31) From a practical standpoint (there I go being masculine again) it doesn’t work for every family. Income, skills, gifts, and calling can lead mothers in other directions. But the attitude and insistence than traditional gender roles will fix our culture penalize women who can’t or aren’t interested.7

The “proper” role of men is to provide for the family. Dr. L calls this “slaying dragons.” (The phrase is used over and over and over.) Is meant to make his office job sound more exciting, or give him more pride in a disappointing paycheck? More likely, the metaphor requires that the wife is the damsel in distress, the one who needs rescuing.

Yes, that can be romantic. But is it an accurate or desirable state for marriage? Even in fairy tales, that’s just the beginning of the relationship. After the princess is rescued, wouldn’t they build a more sturdy life as a team, without needing to interject the drama which first brought them together?

Yes, providing for a family is hard work. It’s a good thing to do. Children suffer when parents are selfish. But Dr. L is over-simplifying and neglecting families stuck in poverty and limiting the creative freedom of families who have options. Some have stay-at-home dads. Or a parent who works out of the home. Or differing schedules. A special day care, time with Grandma or the co-op. None of these solutions are inherently selfish.

Tradition & Opinions

In Dr. L’s view, feminism is the source of all selfishness, immaturity, and marital problems. I don’t have the space to refute that today. So I’ll keep it simple: selfishness and immaturity are not new sins. They are not unique to women. I’m sure there are some situations of woman selfishly pursuing their careers and neglecting their children. Is that the main problem? Prove it. 

Selfishness causes many problems in marriages, and is a great topic for an author to pursue. But the fixation on gender and feminism prevents Dr. L from useful guidance on this subject.

This is a book of Dr. L’s opinions, thoughts she’s sorted out through interacting with many callers who more-or-less already agree with her core values. Maybe it makes her listeners happy to read a book full of their own preconceptions. Maybe it helps their marriages.

Dr. L promotes traditionally cultural Christian values and gender roles. But there is little or no reference to scripture, prayer, or seeking God’s will. It is assumed that our cultural values are Biblical, that they are God’s will. No need to question them.

Power 

I searched for good messages in this book, and found that Dr. L tries to empower women “[Wives] have all the power in the relationship to make it or break it.” (page 26)8

Dr. L tends to blame most marital problems on the wives, or at least expect them to be the ones to fix the problem. But this may be because most of her letters and call-ins are from wives. And who better to fix a problem than the one who is concerned about it? It’s empowering to be told, “You can take action on this. You don’t just sit and hope for change.” (My words, not hers.)

But what sort of action is taken? What skills can women bring to the table? The “gentle power (of femininity) over people,” the “sensitive, wonderful, womanly capacity for emotionality” and other phrases seem to suggest that women have a magic power to fix their marriages.  Magic? Surely I exaggerate. Page 19: Women have “that singular magical ability… to transform deflated men into heroes and warriors...  [they have] the ability to not only create life in their wombs, but to sustain that life force in [their] husbands.” It’s “real women power.”

Yes, married couples should encourage one another, and build each other up. It’s great advice (at least 2,000 years old).

Dr. L says that a good wife tells her husband that he’s her hero, she knows she can count on him, and that she respects and loves him. I understand why any man would want to hear those things, and how they would be an encouragement to him. Unless they aren’t true, and he knows she is flattering him out of obligation. Or if he thinks they are true and continues acting immature and selfish, because he thinks he has her approval. So, advice like this can be sweet in some situations, but not all. It can easily turn into manipulation. This book is intended to help desperate people with problems. Even couples who want a boost need more than this one-size-fits-all admiration.

I wish husbands and wives were told to build each other up without tearing down others. Without putting down others, yes, men should be proud of being men, and women should be proud of being women. They shouldn’t let anyone take that away from them.  (Even though Dr. L keeps trying to take it away from them by saying few men or women are real.)

So, is this book worth it for finding the hidden good messages?

Eh.

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1. Isn’t this title phrase usually for pet-training manuals? Am I the only one who thinks it’s condescending? Especially since her previous book was, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.”
2. These boxes were created based on a survey from her listeners; a biased subject group.
3. Dr. L doesn’t directly try to shame women, but she does shame men who don’t fit in the box. On page 2, Dr. Laura says she is “sickened” by metro-sexuality. Although metro-sexuality may have a root sin of vanity or insecurity in certain situations, here she uses it to say that men aren’t being manly enough. Consider page 19: “There aren’t a lot of real men around. There are a lot of males…”
4. I guess Dr. L hasn’t gendered the J and P traits yet, my gut instinct is that women are considered P and men considered J, as a way of continuing the emotion/analytical dichotomy. Thus, my INTJ personality type is the opposite of feminine.
5. Here’s a link to some studies of gender with Meyers-Briggs personality types. “Men are 57% T and 43% F, while women are 40% T and 60% F.” So, 43% of men are more guided by their feelings than their logical thinking. Does Dr. L think they aren’t “real men?”
6. Dr. L could have used Genesis 2:18: “It’s not good for man to be alone…” but she didn’t. I’ll refute it anyway. I don’t believe this passage refers exclusively to marriage, but to the whole of creation and what women add to the world.
7. If we change our culture and politics to support single moms (the modern days “widows and orphans” of scripture) they could have freedom to raise their kids personally and maybe break poverty and crime cycles. But we don’t.
8. Does that mean it’s all the wife’s fault if the relationship fails?