Baby Jesús was born in Texas, after his parents María and José crossed the border on a donkey. Then, the government separated and incarcerated them.
“We’re the only country in the world where a person comes in and has a baby, and the baby is essentially a citizen of the United States, with all of those benefits,” President Herod said. “It’s ridiculous. And it has to end.”
Several young college students came to President Herod and said, “Where is the one who was born to be King? We saw videos of his family suffering on YouTube, and we want to help.”
“Fake news!” said Herod. “I don’t want children taken away from their parents… but when you prosecute the parents for coming in illegally, which should happen, you have to take the children away.”
When Herod heard that young Jesús was meant to be King, he was disturbed, and all Washington with him. He called together all his favorite pastors and lawyers and asked them if the little Mexican boy could actually grow up to be president. He told them, “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”
“First off, he’s Guatemalan, not Mexican,” said a lawyer. “Second, I haven’t seen his birth certificate, so I couldn’t say.”
Herod said, “A lot of people do not think it was an authentic certificate. His mother was not in the hospital. An extremely credible source has called my office and told me that his birth certificate is a fraud.”
Herod’s favorite pastors reassured him that he was the chosen one and the King of Israel, so President Herod felt better.
“Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it,” Herod bragged. “Nobody is stronger than me. Nobody has better toys than I do. Nobody builds walls better than I do. Nobody has done more for equality than I have. Nobody respects women more than I do.”
But, Herod was still insecure. So he sent the college students to the border to find baby Jesús.
The lawyer asked Herod, “Why do you care if this kid grows up to be president? Your term ends soon.”
“China’s president is now ‘President for Life,’” Herod explained. “I think it’s great. Maybe we’ll want to give that a shot someday.”
The students found baby Jesús, and they brought the gifts of compassion, time and service to reunite the family. They helped María and José apply for refugee status, even though the US decided to quarter the number of refugees accepted. Still, the students were dismayed by the number of families who had no legal representation and were waiting indefinitely in jail. They decided not to return home to Washington.
Herod was furious when the news showed videos about the students and the things they’d seen and done. He sent his own lawyers to explain why some people and children don’t need soap, toothbrushes, or bathrooms. He also switched the blame to his opponents. “Democrats are the problem. They don’t care about crime and want illegal immigrants, no matter how bad they may be, to pour into and infest our country, like MS-13.” Closer to his own heart, he added, “In addition to winning the electoral college in a landslide, I won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people that voted illegally.”
Herod had little respect for the people he represented. “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot people, and I still wouldn’t lose voters.” He felt confident that the next scandal would distract everyone, so no new students would help the immigrants. And he planned to cut down the refugee numbers again for next year.
