Some
Christians believe divorce is only permitted in the case of adultery, and that
remarriage is a sin because of Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:
It has been said,
‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I
tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes
her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits
adultery. (Matthew 5:31-32)
This seems
a harsh interpretation given the context directly before, which states that
lustful thoughts count as adultery.
You have
heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I
tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed
adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27-28)
Some
historical context is helpful. In ancient times (and, frankly, recent and
present times), a women was unable to get a divorce. Only husbands had rights.
So this passage is not speaking to wives, it is speaking to husbands, the
people with power. They could legally divorce their wives for any reason, such
as finding someone new or having an argument. This was really hard on the wife.
She may have no family or community support networks after her marriage ended.
I think
Jesus is valuing women here. He says, stop throwing away your wives like trash!
Don’t pass her around from husband to husband like an object, or leave her
alone and without family. If you get a divorce, it had better be for a good
reason, not just because you don’t like her cooking. Adultery is a good
example, however I don’t see that it should be the only reason.
Adultery
was a serious double standard at this time. Wives were expected to be faithful
and husbands were not. This is another reason why this set of scriptures is
targeted primarily toward men. Jesus expects a higher standard of behavior men
them than their society expects.
Therefore,
I do not think this passage applies to the situation of an abused wife. But
because it is a strongly-held belief that divorce is only permitted by
adultery, I am also interested in looking deeper into the definition of adultery.
The third
chapter of Jeremiah is useful (though a difficult and shaming read). Adultery
and prostitution are used as the metaphors by which the prophet Jeremiah
describes the unfaithfulness of God’s people, Israel.
…Look up to the barren
heights and see.
Is there any place where you [Israel] have not been ravished?
By the roadside you sat waiting for lovers, sat like a nomad in the desert. You have
defiled the land with your prostitution and wickedness. …you have the brazen look of
a prostitute; you refuse to blush with shame…. Because
Israel’s immorality mattered so little to her, she defiled the land and
committed adultery with stone and wood… (Jeremiah 3:2-3,9)
Idolatry
and adultery overlap. The people “cheated” on God with other gods.
Note how
bad these false gods were. God wasn’t just possessive and needy. These
religions were actually hurtful to the people practicing them, temple
prostitution, child sacrifice, etc. These are not gods that loved and cared for
people. They are capricious gods who demand sacrifices to eke out good crops
and fertility.
Cheating
on God wasn’t about sex. It was about unfaithfulness to the one good Father who
wanted to give good gifts.
So, can
adultery have more than one meaning? Perhaps an abusive husband has not been
sexually unfaithful to his wife, but a man who hurts, deceives, and manipulates
his wife has not been faithful to her. He has committed adultery.
A husband
may claim to be a follower of God, but Jesus warns against liars and deceivers.
Watch out for false
prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious
wolves.
By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes
from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every
good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. (Matthew
7:15-17)
What is
the fruit of this man? Abuse, prison, lies, rebellion, rape, drug and alcohol
abuse, deceit, manipulation, homelessness, law-breaking, children taken away.
He is not listening to God. He is not following God.
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’
will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my
Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord,
Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in
your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them
plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ (Matthew 7:21-23)
Words
alone are meaningless without the fruits of the Spirit.
The acts of the flesh
are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry
and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition,
dissensions, factions and envy;
drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who
live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the
Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness
and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:19-23)
It may
sound holy to stay bound to an unfaithful husband. But this can also be a form
of idolatry.
Do not be yoked together
with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or
what fellowship can light have with darkness? What
harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in
common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there
between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.
As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among
them, and I will be their God, and they will be my
people.” Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no
unclean thing, and I will receive you.” And, “I will be a Father to you, and
you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do
not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get
yourself ensnared. (Psalm 22:24-25)
Don’t make
an idol out of your marriage or family.
“Truly I
tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or
mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to
receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters,
mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come
eternal life. (Mark 10:29-30)
This is
not what God wants for you! God wants good for you, not bad.
It’s hard
to let someone go when Jesus is so forgiving and loving. Yet cutting ties can
be a form of brotherly love.
It is actually reported
that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that even pagans do
not tolerate: A man is sleeping with his father’s wife. And
you are proud! Shouldn’t you rather have gone into mourning and have put out of
your fellowship the man who has been doing this? For my
part, even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit. As one
who is present with you in this way, I have already passed judgment in the name
of our Lord Jesus on the one who has been doing this. So
when you are assembled and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord
Jesus is present, hand this man over to Satan for the
destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day
of the Lord. (1 Corinthians 5:1-5)
I don’t
normally agree with kicking people out of church, but this sounds like a rape
and abuse situation to me. It can’t be tolerated. People are being harmed. The
woman in this story has value. God cares about her. Perhaps the wicked man will
come to repent at some point in the future, but it’s not the community’s job to
“save” an abuser. It’s necessary to care for the victims and prevent future
harm.
It’s okay
to forgive an abuser as part of the healing process, but it’s not okay to let
the abuser back in your life. The Lord’s Prayer speaks of forgiveness in terms
of letting go of a debt.
This, then, is how you
should pray: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed
be your name, your kingdom come, your
will be done, on earth as it is in
heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And
forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead
us not into temptation, but
deliver us from the evil one.” (Matthew 6:9-13)
An abusive
husband has run up a terrible debt, as long list of hurts and sins. He will
never be able to repay it. He can never make up for the wrong that has been
done.
You can
forgive the debt. Let go. It’s not worth holding onto. (It just keeps you tied
to that person.) But it’s also time to cut off the line of credit. Don’t trust
an abuser not to take advantage of his 23rd chance. God’s will is
not being done when an abuser is allowed to hurt you. God’s kingdom is not on
earth when an abuser has power over the weak.
Yes, there
are passages in the Bible that call for obedience, submission, forbearance and
patience. Good discernment is needed for applying these to personal situations.
Some people misuse the Bible to hurt others, asking them to keep carrying a
burden instead of giving it to Jesus. Matthew 5 has good guidance, but it can
be misused. It is okay to let go of a bad interpretation of scripture when you
can see that it is causing harm and bearing bad fruit. Taking one verse and
applying it to every situation is a way to avoid listening to God. Reading the
Bible must be paired with prayerfully considering decisions and seeking wise
counsel.
The Bible
has many stories of people who broke “the rules” and were honored by God. Abigail
was disobedient to her wicked husband 1 Samuel 25.
“Now think it over and see what you can
do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. [Your
husband] is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him.”
Abigail acted quickly. She took two
hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs
of roasted grain, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of
pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. Then
she told her servants, “Go on ahead; I’ll follow you.” But she did not tell her
husband Nabal. (1 Samuel 25:17-19).
You can
let go of a bad decision you made in your youth. God wants to give you freedom
from a bad relationship, not to burden you.
They [the Pharisees] tie
up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they
themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. (Matthew 23:4)
Take my yoke upon you
and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest
for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30)
The gospel
message is not a message of obligation and punishment; it is a message of
freedom and forgiveness. Look at Galatians 5 again:
It is for freedom that
Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened
again by a yoke of slavery. You who are trying to be justified by the law have
been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For
through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we
hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor
uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing
itself through love.
You, my brothers and
sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the
flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For
the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as
yourself.”
The fruit of the Spirit
is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness
and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:1,
4-6, 13-14, 22-23)
